Navigating Life’s Twists and Turns — From Complaint to Resilience (and Gratitude)

It’s easy to get caught up in the idea that things should always go our way. But let’s face it: life is full of unexpected twists and turns. The natural order of things includes a fair (some may think “unfair”) share of challenges and setbacks. The key is how we respond to those moments when things don’t align with our expectations.

As we acknowledge that life will present us with obstacles, it’s important to remember that we have the right to our feelings, even when those feelings are negative. However, how we express those feelings is crucial. Too often, when things are out of our control, we allow our emotional response to escalate, adding to our distress and potentially impacting the well-being of those around us. That “energy” is contagious, after all. We may find ourselves spiraling into “worst-case scenarios,” losing our capacity to problem-solve creatively or stay present in the moment.

Consider being stuck in a traffic jam on the way to the airport, desperate to catch a flight. There’s often nothing we can do to change the situation — even WAZE is failing us! We have a choice: sit and seethe or decide that getting worked up isn’t good for our body, brain, or spirit. Instead of seething, we could listen to a podcast, our favorite music, or simply take in the passing scenery. Perhaps we decide that we can be grateful for the opportunity to relax and recharge before our trip, or for the fact that we have the means to travel in the first place. This is not always easy but it IS an alternative response.

Stay with me as we think beyond traffic jams. Recently a dear friend was diagnosed with pneumonia and unable to attend her nephew’s wedding. She was distressed over being absent at such an important life cycle event and after a few days, asked a relative to video the ceremony in real time. This was not ideal but it was the best alternative possible. My friend was able to feel the joy of the moment and instead of being filled with disappointment and resentment about being ill, she was able to focus on the joy that she felt. There are many opportunities to practice calm when something interrupts our “flow.” Our computer crashes right before a major deadline. A long-awaited vacation is canceled due to unforeseen circumstances. Instead of staying in the immediate feeling of frustration and disappointment, we can try to find something to appreciate in the situation. Maybe the computer crash is the alert we need to back up our files and improve digital security. Perhaps the canceled vacation allows us to explore local attractions that have been overlooked, or to spend this newfound time in a totally unique way. Our disappointment is still there; along with an ability to see an opportunity. It is not an either / or. It is an integration and balance of several emotions at once. This is life in action.

Now, this approach isn’t about being blindly optimistic; it’s rooted in the science of well-being. It is about shifting gears in the face of “what is”. Staying calm allows us to consider alternative strategies or approaches. Are we calm enough to check for later flight options? Are we willing to “wait it out” without becoming fierce? Can we troubleshoot the computer issue more effectively? Can we make the most of our unexpected time at home?

So, when we find ourselves complaining, we can recognize that state of mind as a signal to shift our perspective. We can use that moment to take action, cultivate gratitude, and, most importantly, regulate our emotional response. By finding ways to move from complaint to acceptance, creative solutions, and perhaps even a newfound appreciation, we can navigate life’s inevitable challenges with greater resilience and grace. The ability to regulate our emotions is invaluable, especially when things are out of our control. An essential element is actively seeking out the good, even in the midst of difficulty.

The Power of Mindful Breathing — A Simple Practice for Everyday Stress Relief

As a psychologist, I often find myself suggesting that people breathe. While “breathwork” now appears to have its moment in the spotlight, many of us still overlook the immediate and long-term benefits of this simple practice. Let me share a technique that I’ve found incredibly effective for professionals, including healthcare workers, building superintendents, students and anyone who needs to “take a breath” (and who among us doesn’t?).

Hand-Washing Ritual

For doctors and nurses, I recommend turning handwashing into a mindful ritual:

· Focus on the act of washing hands between patient visits

· Pay attention to the sensation and scent of soap and water on hands

· Notice the feeling of rubbing palms and backs of hands

· Breathe gently and intentionally during the process

· While drying, be mindful of how the towel feels against the skin

· Take a deep breath before entering and after leaving each patient’s room

For other professionals, such as an “on demand” building superintendent, I suggest a similar approach:

· Between each task, put down your tools

· Inhale deeply, then exhale slowly

· Repeat this breath cycle

· Before entering a new space (e.g., an apartment, an elevator, a workspace), take a deep breath

· Exhale, leaving previous concerns behind

· Enter the new space fully present

· Repeat the process when leaving, taking a breath to transition

This method isn’t just a breathing break; it’s a way to center oneself between activities. It allows us to start fresh with each new task, recognizing that we always have our breath available to us. Use it between phone calls, even between writing emails or texts. Separate tasks so we can be fully present during each interaction. We simply need to consciously and intentionally use our breath to create that separation.

By incorporating this practice into our daily routine, we can reduce stress, increase mindfulness, and improve our overall well-being. Remember, our breath is always with us — a powerful tool for managing the demands of life.

The Kindness Awareness Practice

To cultivate kindness in our lives, let’s explore a practice that focuses on the experience of kindness, both in giving and receiving. This approach aims to deepen our understanding of how kindness affects us emotionally and psychologically.

Here’s the daily practice:

Reflection: Take a moment each day to reflect on an act of kindness we experienced or witnessed. This could range from a simple smile from a stranger to a thoughtful message from a friend.

Emotional Awareness: Pay close attention to our own emotional response to this kindness. Notice any physical sensations, such as warmth in our chest, or changes in our mood, like a sense of lightness or an involuntary smile.

Active Kindness: Perform our own act of kindness. This doesn’t need to be elaborate — small gestures like holding a door, offering a genuine compliment, or sending a supportive message are all valuable. And we never know if that one act may be the only act of kindness the recipient experienced that day.

Self-Reflection: After our kind act, we can take a moment to observe our emotional state. We can ask ourselves if we are we experiencing a sense of warmth, connection, or increased energy?

By focusing on these positive emotions, we reinforce the growth of neural pathways associated with kindness. This process is like providing positive reinforcement to our brain, encouraging it to seek out more opportunities for kindness.

With consistent practice, this approach can help integrate kindness more seamlessly into our daily interactions. The goal is not merely to perform kind acts, but to develop a genuine awareness of how kindness enriches both our lives and the lives of those around us.

By cultivating curiosity about the effects of kindness, we open ourselves to its transformative power in our day-to-day experiences.

Dr. Dale Atkins
dale@drdaleatkins.com
www.drdaleatkins.com