How to Start a Difficult Conversation: Offering Support with Empathy
There are times when a friend or loved one is going through difficulties that we want to reach out and show we care. Finding the right words can feel overwhelming. I have written about this before. Lately, I have heard from people who, as do all of us, find ourselves in a moment when we want to offer support but wonder if we are “getting it right.”
We may wonder, “What is the best way, for this person at this time, to bring up sensitive topics without adding to their burden or using cliches?” How do we let them know we’re thinking of them while giving them their space?
Sometimes we need to wait for the person to address the topic. Other times, it may be up to us. Starting a conversation can be difficult. Despite that, with a thoughtful approach, we can offer meaningful support.
A gentle way to begin is to let the person know you’re thinking about them without placing any expectations on how they should respond. You might say something like: “I often think about you as you’re recovering. If you want to talk about it with me, I’m available and here for you.” Or “I acknowledge what you’re going through, and I’m here to listen whenever you’re ready.”
This kind of message addresses their experience while giving them the freedom to decide when, or if, they want to share with you. It’s an open invitation without pressure attached. By letting them know you’re available, you’re demonstrating care without demanding a response.
Once the conversation begins, it is helpful to be mindful of the words we choose. The goal is to express empathy without making assumptions or offering comments or advice that might unintentionally minimize the person’s feelings or experience. Instead of saying, “I know how you feel,” try, “I can’t imagine what you’re going through.” This shows that you’re acknowledging their pain without assuming you know how they feel. These words are more aligned with expressions of empathy than understanding.
Rather than saying, “You’re strong, you’ll get through this,” You might say, “I know this hurts. There’s a journey ahead. I’m here for you.” Sometimes, just knowing someone is there makes all the difference, especially when the pain remains.
Instead of saying, “You look like you’re doing well,” try asking, “How are you holding up today?” This opens the door for them to share how they’re truly feeling, rather than feeling obligated to put on a brave face. Alternatively, saying, “I imagine every day is a different experience. How are you doing today?”
Sometimes, despite our best efforts, the person might not be ready or willing to talk. Or they might not know what to say. Silence can feel uncomfortable to some but it’s important to remember that simply being present can be incredibly powerful. A quiet presence, a comforting touch, or just sitting together without words can speak volumes. We don’t need to fill the silence with conversation — sometimes, our company is enough.
Reaching out to someone who is going through a difficult time is about showing up with empathy and offering support without expectations. By carefully choosing our words and recognizing the power of quiet presence, we can offer a space where another person feels safe and supported. We are not there to solve their problems. And, unless we are asked, we are not there to offer advice. Our purpose is to be there with them as they examine options and navigate their emotions, on their own terms.
Managing Mental Clutter — The Challenge of “Having Too Many Tabs Open” As We Age
As we journey through life, we accumulate experiences, memories, and responsibilities that shape who we are. However, with this accumulation comes the challenge of managing mental clutter — I refer to this as “having too many tabs open” in our minds. What once felt like a productive state is now experienced as overwhelming. Particularly as we age, we need to be open to changes in our cognitive abilities so that we can healthfully adapt and remain creative and productive.
In our younger years, juggling multiple tasks and responsibilities may have felt invigorating. The ability to switch between tasks seamlessly was something we likely did not think about. However, as we age, maintaining focus among numerous items becomes increasingly challenging, especially when we are distracted or interrupted. Tasks that once seemed easy, like remembering names or places, now require more mental effort.
It helps to honestly assess and understand how many, and which mental “tabs” are open at any given time. Each tab represents a task, responsibility, or thought that demands our attention. When too many tabs are open, interruptions can lead to a loss of focus, frustration, or anxiety. We think we are becoming forgetful when in fact, we may just not have enough room to process what we need to at this moment. Recognizing this mental clutter is the first step toward managing it effectively.
Sometimes, the key to “closing unnecessary tabs” lies in changing our environment. For instance, due to construction at home, I set up an office in the basement. This new setting, with fewer distractions, allows for greater focus and productivity (until I am interrupted, of course!). Changing my environment demonstrated to me the importance of adapting our surroundings to suit our cognitive needs.
As we age, it’s essential to notice and acknowledge that our cognitive skill sets change. We can play to our strengths, focusing on tasks that align with our current abilities. As I said, for some of us, staying on task when we have interruptions is particularly challenging. Therefore, it’s important to create an environment that minimizes distractions and allows for deep concentration.
Strategies for Improved Focus:
Prioritize Tasks: Identify the most important tasks and focus on them one at a time. This helps reduce the mental load and improves efficiency.
Minimize Interruptions: Create a workspace that limits distractions. This might mean setting boundaries with colleagues or family members during the time you need to complete your tasks.
Take Breaks: Allow yourself time to rest and recharge. Short breaks can help clear mental clutter and re-invigorate the mind and our body.
Adapt Your Environment: If your current setting isn’t conducive to focus, consider changing it. A new environment (even moving a desk or a chair to face a different view) can offer a fresh perspective and renew concentration.
Narrate Your Experience: For some of us, saying what we are doing as we are doing it can assist as we redirect our attention. This incorporates another sense which can reinforce our thought or action.
Acknowledge Limitations: Understand that it’s normal to have limitations. Recognize when you need help or when it’s time to step back and reassess your approach.
The concept of having “too many tabs open” is a metaphor for the mental hodgepodge we all experience. As we age, managing this becomes increasingly important. By recognizing our cognitive strengths and adapting to our environments, we can improve focus and reduce anxiety. Ultimately, it’s about finding balance and creating a physical and mental space that encourages us to thrive.
Setting the Tone for the Day
In the quiet moments of the early morning, there’s the opportunity to set the tone for our day. When we start by concentrating on what matters most, we’re grounding ourselves in what’s important before the world starts pulling us in different directions. We can try to arrange early morning time to be calm, free from the usual rush of emails, calls, and distractions. Thus, making it the perfect time to engage with our values and priorities.
By taking this time to approach our most pressing issues or tasks, we’re offering them our freshest energy. This increases the chances that we can set a positive flow for the day. Each step forward creates a sense of accomplishment that carries us through our next challenge. We can think of this morning focus as our anchor — a steady point that helps us stay centered when the rest of the day becomes chaotic.
Dr. Dale Atkins
dale@drdaleatkins.com
www.drdaleatkins.com
