Embracing Kindness in a World of Uncertainty: Reflections from a Heartfelt Gathering
As many of you know, a few years ago Amanda Salzhauer and I co-authored THE KINDNESS ADVANTAGE. We were privileged to meet people from all over the country as we discussed how children can embody kindness considering the challenges they experience in the world. Much of our emphasis is what makes up kindness and myriad ways that being kind is good for us and our society. We enjoyed hearing the perspectives of people of all ages share their observations about kindness and kids.
A few weeks ago, I was invited to visit the parents’ group of a local church nursery school to discuss kindness. This was my third visit in about 5 years. I was looking forward to being there again as each time I meet, it’s with a different group of parents. We gather in an intimate and cozy space: the lounge of the Church’s gift/bookstore. This year our group consisted of grandmothers, mothers, a young woman who worked as au pair, and a few very young children. A lovely mix indeed.
Several days before we met, I realized that I felt differently about this meeting. Why? Because the world is so different. Kindness is clearly missing in so many aspects of our lives. As a society we seem to have accepted and adapted to unkindness and disrespect from our leaders and peers. Hate and threatening behaviors are not just distant experiences. Our children are not only exposed to hate but are often targets. Wars are raging abroad but are thrashed out at home. How are we going to discuss kindness in an environment with such animus? I questioned whether we could honestly discuss what kindness looks like in situations where insensitive, malicious, and nasty interchanges enter many of our children’s lives through social media and on campuses. Would it be possible to explore together why kindness is fundamental to strengthening our children as they learn ways to respond to the challenges they face at home, in their neighborhoods, with friends, and at school?
Whenever I discuss kindness, I try to ask people to recall someone who was kind to them. I am always moved by the responses. When we give ourselves a moment to reflect, it is sometimes surprising who comes to mind. One of the people in the group became teary as she shared that her mother was the kindest person she knew. When asked if she could share an example, she told us that her mother encouraged her to leave home (and country) to have “a better life.” Her mother, who deeply loves her daughter, knew that this would be a heartbreaking sacrifice, but she wanted her daughter to have opportunities that were only available to her if she moved to the United States. She did not know if or when she would see her daughter again, but she was willing to endure day-to-day life without her beloved daughter so that her daughter could have this opportunity. As this young woman spoke, practically every person in the room had tears in their eyes. In response, people shared their own stories of kindness from others and how meaningful it was to receive kindness. One woman shared that when she married, it was someone in her “new family” who listened to her, asked her about herself, was interested in who she was, and she not only never forgot it, but she became a better listener as a result. Someone else recalled how her mother-in-law’s kindness was evident by the way she always welcomed everyone into her home, preparing each person’s favorite food whenever she could.
Our conversation began as one of recalling, with a dose of nostalgia, how important kindness is as a basis for how we treat each other. It soon migrated into the sadness and fear about how unprepared children are for the harsh and often cruel world on social media. We talked about “The Anxious Generation” (Dr. Jonathan Haidt) and the impact of social media and smartphones on children’s brain and emotional development. We focused on how challenged parents are to impose sensible and reasonable restrictions on access to devices despite all the research about their negative impact. We shared important findings connecting spirituality and health in children from The Spiritual Child (Dr. Lisa Miller) and how caring for children with intention (as suggested in the “slow- parenting” movement) encourages parents to be present in the moments they are with their children and to turn down the pressure cooker.
After being concerned about how we would address how different the world is today from a few years ago, it seemed that although there is a lot of harshness in the world, we have many more opportunities to discover ways to be kind and to choose kindness over other options. It may not be easy, but it is clearly worth it if we are to live in a world where people feel their hearts open to joy when they think of someone who was kind to them. And who knows? We may be able to emulate those people as we internalize their examples of kindness towards ourselves and others.
Respecting the Healing Journey: Navigating Solitude and Support
When it comes to healing, I’m a strong believer in letting people recuperate in the way they need. Whether it’s recovering from illness, heartbreak, job loss, or any other challenge, what some of us need most is solitude. We need the space to heal without feeling the expectations of others to “show up” in ways that we just do not feel we can do. Our energy is precious during times of healing and needs to be dedicated to singularly navigating through our struggles.
As a friend or family member, it can be difficult to understand another person’s need for solitude. We want to show support; we want the person to know they are not alone. But here’s the thing to remember — — it’s not about us, the visitors, it’s about the person who is healing.
Having been a patient, who needed quiet and solitude to heal, I understand the importance of being on one’s own schedule and listening to one’s body. I remember nights when sleep eluded me, leaving me desperate to find moments of slumber during the day. If medication disagreed with me, I didn’t want the added pressure of having to be there for guests; even the most well-meaning. My focus was solely on healing, on doing what I needed to do in the moment. I remember some friends and family had a hard time, not believing that a “quick hello” was appreciated in spirit but not in action. I did not want to see anyone. I began to luxuriate in being able to nap whenever my body told me that’s what I needed. I could listen to an inspirational tape, some guided imagery, or an audio book whenever I felt like it. Having space to heal allowed me the freedom to do what I needed to do while conserving my energy.
So, here’s an idea how we can support someone who may not be able to engage with us directly, but can still feel they are not forgotten.
For example, if someone is about to have surgery, before they undergo the procedure, ask them or, if more appropriate, ask their friend or partner if you can reach out to them during their recovery. If the answer is yes, offer an idea or two that you feel comfortable with that you think will be minimally intrusive. You may or may not get an answer because health-related recoveries are different for everyone. The person may not know what will work for them.
That’s okay. Still, you can offer some possible options and if they work, great, if not, you can stop.
· Send random photos of nature, places they love, or people they know.
· Share inspirational sayings, jokes, puns, or riddles.
· Record a message in your own voice wishing them well or reading a particular prayer or poem.
· Send them a recording of their favorite song or playlist.
· Share funny or heartwarming videos of animals, comedians, dancers, or their favorite authors.
· Send a small, thoughtful gift like a scented eye bag, a weighted cozy pillow, sachets for under the pillow or a book of inspirational sayings.
Related to these thoughts is the potential impact of secondhand communication. Sending regards through someone else often does not have the impact of a personal note, text or e-mail, written directly to that person: “Tell Ann I am thinking of her” vs “Dear Ann, I am thinking of you.”
In 1979, Bell System introduced one of the most successful ad campaigns: “Reach Out and Touch Someone.” It reminded us that a personal phone call can make a huge difference in someone’s life. The essence of relationships has not changed too much over the decades.
At a time when we feel our most vulnerable (as is often the case when we are unwell or feel unmoored because of a significant life transition) a simple gesture of a friend reaching out can provide immense comfort and support.
Harnessing the Power of Imagination
Engage in a daily imagination exercise. Set aside a few minutes each day to let the mind wander and explore new possibilities. This could involve brainstorming creative solutions to a challenge we are facing, whether it’s at work, in our personal life, or a new skill we are trying to learn. We can challenge ourselves to think outside the box and consider unconventional approaches. Cultivating our imagination in this way can spark innovation, enhance problem-solving skills, and cultivate a sense of wonder and curiosity in our daily life. We need to silence our inner critic to do this for our greatest benefit.
Dr. Dale Atkins
dale@drdaleatkins.com
www.drdaleatkins.com
